Macie Forever in our hearts 2002-2014

I know I have not written a post in a while, Life has been busy. I feel compelled to write today because our Furry kid, Macie, went to doggie heaven yesterday. When I spent all that time in the hospital with Mallie and then losing my Dad, writing down everything helped me make it thru. So here it goes. .. It is no secret that Macie had a rough year, with her eye issues, then her thyroid problem. All part of getting older. Things had seemed to be under control the last month or so, the thyroid meds were working her hair was coming back and looking good. I was still giving her baths regularly to help with her skin infection. Also in the last year things had changed a bit, she could not see well or much with the two eye procedures we had done. So jumping up on the bed like she used to was out, she would run into you sometimes. Steve was always griping that she was in the way. I know he still loved her but hearing him complain made me angry. I knew she could not help it, she just wanted to be close to us. I think she knew things were changing inside. She never once whimpered or showed that she was in pain. Even with all the vet visits and procedures - she showed nothing accept signs of her age. She would have been 12 in May - we got her in June of 2002. We had just moved into our house in January of that year and I wanted a dog. I would have went to the pound, but Steve said he wanted a HUNTING dog. So we searched for Chocolate Lab pups. We found her in Frankfort Michigan, She was 1 of 11 siblings. Some of which were yellow. She was also the runt of the litter. She was 6 weeks old and weighed only 5 pounds when we brought her home. She was the first living thing I would be responsible for, that we would be responsible for. She has been with us thru a lot and I could not have asked for a better dog. She was gentle, sweet and always happy to see us. She was quick to potty train and we spoiled her. She also had free reign of our house once she was out of the chewing phase. She would go with me most everywhere I could take her. She loved going for rides in the truck.

When I think back on this last week, I remember some little things that were different. Only when I think back, at the time all was pretty normal for our old girl. I gave her a bath Wednesday night, still trying to combat some skin issues from the thyroid stuff. It became a routine for baths, she had more baths this year than she had her whole life. I did not mind tho, I would do anything to help her. While I scrubbed her down, her belly it did feel firmer than normal. She kinda seemed fidgety while I scrubbed her and touched her belly, like uncomfortable. I kinda felt well she is old and everything on her is probably more sore. We got out and I dried her off as good as I could. That night she curled right up next to me on the couch, as close as she could. I did not want to get up because she had not done that in a long time. She mostly liked to lay on the floor these days and sprawled out. She seemed to pant more this week too, but again I chucked it up as normal. She panted a lot last summer too. I probably should have paid more attention for only was it a sign she was suffering. Thursday night Mallie and I were busy packing up stuff to head to Misty's for a fun weekend away with family. Just a normal night but Macie knew - she always knew when I was going somewhere. She followed me everywhere most of the time, but she was a bit closer than normal. That night when I went to bed, I helped her on the bed so she could lay with me. Like I did most nights, she could not see well and would not jump but she wanted up. She always has slept with us - this past year she did sleep on the floor a lot more. That made me sad too because another sign of her age. Some nights she would sleep on the couch. She would always get off sometime in the night and lay on the floor - which she also did Thursday night. She would wake me up in the middle of the night too to go outside. She also did this, like normal that night. Friday morning up early to get all our stuff in the truck and head to work. That morning was the last morning I would see her, if I had only known, right? We rushed out the door with not another thought. Saturday morning I was at Misty's we were up early to head to Konnor's wrestling tournament. I was already having an irritating morning as Mallie's left CI implant quit working again. Third time in 6 months this has happened, ugh. Steve called me at 9ish and said " I don't want to bother you with this because you are supposed to be having a fun weekend, but Macie is not doing good". My heart sank, I am 4 hours from home and my Macie is not well. Worst thing ever! She had had a accident friday night - which is NOT her, she has only had 8 accidents her whole life in our home. He said he thought well she must have had to go REALLY bad and being older. she could not hold it anymore. He had let her out after work and she went outside like always. Then he left for the evening to find it when it came home. Still nothing crazy out the ordinary...he awoke Saturday morning to finding she went on the floor again. This time tho, she was hunched up in pain and did not want to walk. She would stand up but something was not right. She was breathing really Heavy and looked miserable. When Steve called I could hear it in his voice too, he was worried this was it too. He played a big tuff guy the last year but I know better. What to do, what to do? I called the emergency vet , this weekend was not our Vet on call so to Parkdale Steve had to take her. I wanted to leave and come right nome, making a scene of tears in front of 100's of people at a youth wresting meet. Ahhh - I was so far away - it broke my heart. Helpless and not with her. I had decided I would wait until I knew what was wrong, so I waited to hear from Steve. They wanted to run blood work and xrays - I had to let them. What if she just was sick with a stomach thing? So then I wait some more - the doctor called me back. Bloodwork was perfect! Of course it was - but the X-ray however not so much. Macie had 2 large tumors in her abdomen. Obviously this does not happen overnight. Macie had been fighting cancer for awhile I am afraid. She never let on that she was suffering. She still greeted me at the door everyday and followed me around. She was still eating for the most part. There were days that she waited along time to eat - I again thought it bothered her teeth because she was getting older. So the vet started to explain the next step and I knew, there was no next step. Surgery was an option but I could not do that. I had to draw the line and I feel once you start to cut into the dog and try to get some more time, it would only be torture for them. If she even made it out of the surgery. What kind of life would that be for her? I did not want her to suffer one more minute. So far away from her, I wanted to be there. I wanted her to know I was there with her. It breaks my heart that I was not there. I had to chose, I suppose I could have had them give her something for pain until I could get back, but I could not do it. She was suffering and I could not let it go for one more minute. I hung up the phone crying, crying so hard - it really hurts my soul to the core. I had to call Steve back and let him know what to do, he was leaving it all up to me. He agreed with me, but ultimately he was letting me call the shots. At this point I was already in route to Misty's house to get our stuff and come home. I cried all the way there - Mallie had fallen asleep. Mallie was funny because she doesn't really understand. She was mad because she wanted to stay at Aunt Misty's. She kept saying I wanna play with Kallie. I just needed to get home - I would have been miserable company and driving home the next day just delayed the grieving process. While gathering our stuff up to head home, I was crying. Mallie has never seen me cry. She hates it when I make a pouty face, so this was a new level of being sad. The fake pouty face is nothing like the real thing. I told her Macie had to go to doggie heaven, she said "why?". I told her because she was sick. So then she says I want to stay here - getting upset. Kids really are funny. We made it home about 5pm - I cried a LOT on the way home. Talking to friends and family on the way home helped the drive go faster - but I knew when I got home, she was not going to be there. I am going to miss her greeting me at the door with her wagging tail. Everyday no matter what kind of day I was having I always had a happy dog to come home to. When we pulled in - just when you think you can't cry anymore or any harder. It rushed over me - I just feel so sad. We came inside and Mallie happy to see Steve - went right over to him. I went to our bathroom and sat on the floor and just bawled my eyes out some more. I still just can't believe over night that this would turn to this. The rest of the night was a blur - somber with lots of tears. Mallie asked me many times. "Where is Mae?" I would tell her the same thing - she is in doggie Heaven. Followed by the Question "Why?" Then I would say she was sick and start crying all over again - I can't control it really. Then Mallie would run over to me and say "HUG". She would hug me so tight - god I love her! This happened many a times last night and even today still happening. Everytime she asks me it breaks my heart and tears come flowing. I had even told her yesterday Macie is with Grampa Roy. So today she says - "Momma Macie sick", she with Grampa Roy. I know this will happen for awhile - she loved Macie too. She helped me give her treats when she would come in side. She would give her some of her own food too when eating at the Table. When I would give Macie baths, Mallie would come in and stand in front of the tub and say "you stay Mae". Macie would always put her paws up to try and get out, so Mallie was helping me. Mallie also always had to sit by her and pet her. She would hug and kiss her. At night before bed, she would always say I love you Mae. Mae Mae was also one of the first few words Mallie could and would say when she started talking. I have the cutest video of her saying it clear for the first time. I have tons and tons of pictures of the two of them together. There is no doubt life will move on, but it will never be the same. I never knew how bad this would be to lose her. I had been thinking about it often - knowing what we went thru this year. Several friends had lost pets in the last month. Each time I would think about it - every day was one step closer to yesterday. I also feel horrible for Steve - he had to deal with it alone. I always took Macie to all her appts and vet visits. I think this was first time Steve took her and for it to be under that circumstance. I know it had to be hard to leave her there and to take her. He had to carry her because she could not walk. The whole thing just sucks! My eyes were burning last night and heavy. We got Mallie in bed about 8:30 and went to straight there ourselves. I fell asleep pretty fast, but woke up a lot. I was officially up around 7am and tears came flushing back. Everywhere I look, she used to be. She was a huge part of every day and huge part of our lives. I can't bring myself to remove all of her things yet. Her toys, her food dish, her treats. Last night I caught myself going to put Mallie's leftover food in her bowl. Today I just can't get a grip! I literally have been crying so much more than not crying. I am hoping by tomorrow I will be able to keep it together to go to work. Some people will think I am crazy or nuts but I don't care. I am an animal lover, I cry when I see those commercials with the Sara Mcglaghlin song. This was My dog, who never did anything but love us unconditionally. In a sense she was our first kid. When Mallie came along Macie was very gentle and great with her. so I write this because I hope it will help me heal and get thru this. Its only been a day and one day or hour at a time I suppose. I have thought about the possibility of another dog down the road. I just think about it and there will never be another Macie. Obviously getting a dog now is not an option but I think, can I even get another dog? I will always want my Macie back and training a new dog is not something I want to do. I worry about a puppy and Mallie's ears. The CI's are expensive, I should not even be thinking of this - but I want Mallie to grow up with a pet. Steve has said a many of times - no more after Macie - I don't think he means it. For now tho I need grieve and get thru. Thank you to everyone for the kinds words and thoughts - it means the world to me. I will post a few more pictures of our brown friend Macie - may she rest in peace. These were the last photos I took of my two girls together - last month. I will forever miss these moments.