2014 ends with Trip down memory lane.....

Today I started transferring all the old video's I have to DVD and WOW! How times have changed and how Mallie has Grown. Her very first video she was about 2 months old just an infant. So sweet - she has been so happy all the years! Looking back today at me talking and cooing over her the whole time she could not hear a sound. That is insane! Earlier this week I found a journal I had started when Mallie was born. I had an entry in there when she passed her hearing test here in Ludington. Once she passed that we put it to the back burner right then and there. There is no doubt the implants have been Amazing for her. There is a part of me sad to watch her now knowing she could not hear us. I know I should not be sad because the outcome is beyond what I could have ever imagined. She was SO HAPPY in all the videos and photos. Mallie really enjoyed seeing "baby Mallie" She wanted to keep watching and watching. Of course there are tons of her and Macie, melts my heart. So glad to have the videos for her to see. I have one tiny clip of Mallie with my Mom and Dad. She asked to see that one over a few times too. If you blink you might miss it. I took it on accident when I was taking photos of them on our couch. She was mesmerized by his watch so he took it off and let her see it. even if only a second or two its a treasured moment I wish I had filmed longer. Life, you are a bastard sometimes! Taking people and pets away that mean so much. Even tho this post is going sappy - I had a lot of happy emotions watching Mallie's progression. She truly is amazing - from where she started from until today. She is a sassy spoiled toddler now (not always smiling and happy). Still each day she does or says something that has me in awe. Especially since starting School this past fall. Her vocabulary is soaring! She LOVES school and is doing very well. She scored higher than half the class in the Reading area. Math she is just below where they would like to see her - but really not far off. She has the best team behind her. Steve and I are very happy with the decision to put her in Kindergarten this year. We had an appt this past monday with Cochlear to do some internal diagnostics on Mallie's right processor. For over a year we have had some random incidents where it quits working. There seemed to be no apparent warning , the next day it just would not turn on. The last time was February or March of this year. Then it happened in October this year. When we went to get it fixed this last time - she just had to load the programs back on it. LIke it was wiped clean or something. Mallie's impedences or whatever they are called seem to fluctuate on that right side. A little change is normal but this side had pretty drastic changes here and there. Have not figured out what may be causing it either. We were going once a month to Audiology to keep an eye since March. Then with School starting we skipped a month, of course that is when it would happen. Anyway we were referred to have Cochlear come and do their testing to make sure the internal devise is working properly. Worst case she would need to be re-implanted. So we went and they basically tried to break it and make it do whatever it does. They were unsuccessful at this meaning all is good and no surgery at this time. They also told me that different body chemistry , infections, etc will effect the fluid surrounding the internal electrodes. All we can do is keep closely monitoring her right side and hopefully avoid future shut downs. Still working on potty training - this is and has been the most challenging I think. Just not sure what is going to make her click on this one. WE have tried EVERYTHING, as far as rewards. Stickers, candy, special prizes. Put real undies on her before - nothing seems to really take the cake. Between School, daycare and home we put her on the potty at regular intervals. She does well with this, however she will never or rarely say " I have to go potty" Or stop what she doing to go. I think part of it is she does not have to think for herself. We do it for her and if we forget or get busy she has her pull up on. NO skin off her back, right? We have a few ideas to work on in the next few months to put it back on her - hopefully by Spring she will Have it! The only other thing is we have not had her medically tested to see if there is a medical reason she is not able to potty train. I really don't think there is something preventing this other than mallie herself. Time will tell! ONe thing we are struggling with at home besides potty time is her hitting Steve and behavior issues. She will yell and scream for no reason sometimes when asked a simple question. Hitting Steve, not sure other than she gets away with it. He waits for me to decipline her. Which is fine accept she does not take him seriously. I am the one putting her in time out and making sure she stays there. Steve does not want to hear her cry or scream so he tries to fix it by giving her what she wants. I am by no means perfect when it comes to decipline either. It is a really big struggle right now in our house. I think some of it is communication - Mallie is still learning how to respond to different situations. She has a lot of trained responses for things like: why, who, how do you know, what's your name. Those are key phrases she uses alot and she uses them when she does not know what to say or what to respond. We are working on having her broaden her thinking for herself to respond to different things. There is so much to learn and she is doing great! Still have a long way to go! We are all still learning!! Well Christmas came and went again like a whirlwind. Mallie told Santa she wanted Drums and he delivered! She LOVES them! She got some new clothes, some magnetic blocks, coloring books, a clock puzzle, new Jamberry nails, candy, Elsa doll, Frozen on Ice tickets for March. Much more and we still have two christmas's to go! We watched a few frozen on ice clips the other day so she could see what it was. She is very excited and keeps asking if we are going today, haha! Should be a good time, we are going with Mit & Kids, My MOm and Dawn & Amelia. It is not till March so she will be asking for a long time. She is getting over a cold and I am starting it - ugh! This is round two for us - we were both sick around Thanksgiving time. I hope we are done for awhile as it would be nice to have some time off to do fun things. Not sit around with kleenex and cold medicine. Still trying to get Daddy on board for a new furry kid in the spring. I know he is not excited about the idea at all, and his reasoning is because he does not want to take care of it. It leaves hair everywhere, yada yada. I have gone my whole life with a Dog in it. The only time was the Jan I moved in to this house until June when we got our Sweet Macie. I miss her terribly and feel ready to meet a new little buddy to grow up with Mallie. Looking back at the videos today - how much she loved Macie. I remember when she would get upset and we would say Where is Mae. She instantly stopped crying and would look around to find her. Macie would lay by her as a infant and was so good with her. Mallie would pull her ears, hair or grab her tightly. Macie was simply amazing with her. Everywhere we go where there is a dog - Mallie is drawn to them and loves them. Dogs teach us so much, how to love unconditionally. I know the work that goes into training a puppy but after lots of looking into - getting a full grown dog is just not a good idea. I have been in contact with a breeder in Northern Michigan - they raise English labs. They are supposed to be more laid back and they have a more blocky head. Mostly I want the laid back mellow mannered dog. Steve and I had a conversation where he said Springtime. He is claiming this is not true but I remember the talk well. With Steve's crazy hours sometimes its nice to have that Dog here for piece of mind too. Wish us luck Steve agrees to getting the new family member this spring. Well here is to a new year, new adventures and new beginnings. 2014 started out rough but has been a pretty good year. Hoping 2015 is Great too! Happy New Year to All of you!

Happy 5th Birthday Miss Mallie

Dear Mallie, Well, where did those 5 years go? A couple hours from now you will turn 5, I can't believe it! I sure hope the next 5 don't go so fast. I do love seeing you grow up, its the reason I get up every morning. Its the reason I live and breathe. You are absolutely Amazing beyond any words that I could write. When I think back to the year you were born - all the wonders, all the questions, and fears about the future. There was a time, I was afraid you would never crawl or walk. You showed me, us and the World - why YES I Will WALK! Also a time I never thought you would hear the sound of my voice, the sound of rain, any sound. You SHOWED us again - I can HEAR!! Finally, There was a time I thought you would never be able to TALK, and once again - YOU SHOWED US! From the moment you said your first word (uh-oh) till today you have not looked back. You are one smart beautiful little girl! You started Mainstream Kindergarten last week at 4 years old! Do you know how awesome that is? Every step, every word and every moment - it was ALL you baby girl! I love you sooo much! To the moon and back! I want you to know I will always be here for you. I will continue to advocate for you and make sure everything you need is in your reach. I can't wait to see where the road takes us next. Still so proud of everything you have accomplished and overcome! Happy Birthday Tootie! Love Always, Mommy

Randomness

Decided tonite is a good night to update the blog.... note to self don't read the posts about Macie before you start typing. Seems time is going faster than ever and so much to do. I still miss Macie. Mallie still talks about her, Steve is still against getting a new doggie family member. I think I am ready for another one, I really would like Mallie to grow up with a dog and I just love dogs. Steve does not want to have the responsibility and he really HATED the dog hair. I just don't know what it will take for him to say yes! Meanwhile last weekend we celebrated 10 years of Marriage! My whole summer was consumed with planning the party and just like everything else it was over before we knew it. It was a great time and so thankful for everyone that came out to celebrate with us! The last 10 years have been a rollercoaster, there was a time where walking away seemed like the only answer. I tell you Marriage is WORK and it takes both people to be 100% committed to finding a way to make it work. We went thru so much during Mallie' younger infant days - both of us deal with things differently. This made it extremely hard to find a common ground. Somehow tho, we made it and we are both stronger because of it. Far from perfect, but getting better all the time. I hope we can continue on the path we are now and I can write about 20, 30 or 50 years someday :) Love you Steve!!! On to Mallie - potty training - UGH!!! I know alot of the problem is me - I am not consistant with her, it is so hard! Crazy schedules! Only 2 weeks till school and I am feeling like a failure. speaking of school - Mallie is going to full time Kindergarten and will have a full time aide with her. I really want her to be mostly potty trained before school. However because of mallie's physical needs and her delays, it is not a make or break kind so scenerio. So part of me feels relief, another part feels bad because that is just one more thing kids could poke fun at. Maybe she will realize it more when she is in school. only time will tell I suppose. In the last week she has been telling me more that she has to go! Which is a huge improvement! Her 5 year old Birthday is coming up! Whoa man - can't believe it. Each year she gets stronger and her personality shows thru that much more. Her sassyness is too, not always pleasant - Yikes she has a temper sometimes. In the next month lots is happening - I hope to write up so more as things happen. First day of School, Turning 5 - All huge milestones :)

School...say what?

Well miss Mallie is signed up for Kindergarten starting in the fall, where did that time go? We were really not interested in Kindergarten, she turns 5 in September. Preschool was what I was planning along with Victory School as the place. Well so much for that idea - but I believe everything fell into place or at least will fall into place. I am very much at ease with the whole Idea of Kindergarten next year after meeting with the school. She may have to go twice but that is ok, she would have done Pre then K if I had my choice so K would have been the following year anyway. Everything is as it should be :) We will meet again with all of her therapists, a teacher and principal do work out her IEP for next fall. Mallie made herself right at home when we visited the school, no doubt she will LOVE IT! I am very excited and a little sad at the same time. Mostly excited, but can't believe almost 5 years has flown past already. I don't like that at all! Had an audiology appt last week and everything looks good still, no drastic changes - that is what we like to hear! We will keep closer tabs on the CI mapping so that we can avoid or catch any issues sooner rather than later. Mallie's feet have been weighing on my mind too, she wears her AFO's 95% of the time and they do help her walk. I have just been noticing her big toes starting to curve inward and without the braces on the Pronation is very strong, more on left side than right. I feel like all the Drs we see are like oh just keep doing what your doing, blah blah blah. After much research and discussion with our PT, we both agree a wedge to balance out that pronation is what needs to happen. I was just at Mary Free Bed last week getting her casted again for her next set of braces. I asked him if we could do somthing inside because she is still able to pronate inside the brace a bit. He had some random reason why we should not add a wedge. I got to thinking about it all weekend and I know we need to do something. I am trying to avoid deformity, pain or surgery later down the road. Not one of her Drs that should be responsible for this care to entertain my thoughts. Its very frustrating!! So we are sort of taking into our own hands. We put some foam in her current braces to help bring that inside of her foot where it belongs. Right away it seemed to make a difference in her walk. The pronation is her ankles rotating inward and it is very severe. Looks like it would hurt her, and if not corrected it certainly will later on. More to come on this for sure. Other than that things are good here, she keeps surprising us with phrases and the things she will remember and say. We certainly love that little peanut! Night for now, Happy May Day!

A quick note tonight..

Time is still cruising as always - this morning Mallie woke up and the first words to me were "Macie go to heaven, she not sick anymore". She was still in her bed with her ears off! I have to admit, it choked me up. We have been so very busy the last couple weeks I still can't believe its been almost a whole month since she left us. I really miss her today! Kinda out of the blue, which I suppose is normal. I still cry about my dad every once in a while and it will be 4 years this fall. Where does time go? This past week a cousin to us, Clara Stakenas, passed on at 86 years old. She was more like a Grandma to us and that is what we called her. She was a great lady with a huge heart, especially for kids. She loved all her kids and grandkids with her whole heart! Mallie actually being like a 4th cousin or something crazy, she always loved to see her too! She just loved seeing her progress and last year I remember how excited Clara was to tell me how happy it made her to see Mallie walking. I wish we would have taken Mallie to see her more! I had the great task of putting together a slideshow for the visitation. It was so fun to see all the pictures of her and her life. Although I was not close with her, she left a lasting impression on me and seeing the pictures of her and Ed, warms my heart. Together for 65 years, that is amazing! Just another reminder of how fast life goes! May she rest in peace! I have been really wanting to plan on getting another dog. Steve is very much against the idea of another dog. Seems the farther we get from the day macie left, the more he fights the idea. I know a puppy is so much work, am I ready for that? I don't know? I just know I am a dog person and I have always had a dog. I feel our home is not complete without one. I want Mallie to grow up with a dog as much as I love having a dog in my life. I know there will never be another Macie but I am sure whatever we decide to get will work their way into our hearts just as much. Things I miss the most 1. Her greeting me everyday when we got home, so happy to see us carrying her toy! 2. I liked that she followed me around and stayed close to me - made me happy! 3. How she used to curl up at the head of our bed and lay her head on me. (she never stayed long) 4. How gentle she was with Mallie 5. The simple words "go for a ride" how excited she got racing to the door! 6. There are crumbs everywhere now where Mallie is (noone to clean them up) 7. She was my walking buddy forever (when I did walk, hehe) There really is so much more, little things, most of all her presence in this house! Really today I am having a bad day I guess in the Miss my dog dept. I promise I am not this sad everyday! Steve says 1-5yrs until we can get another one. I do not like this plan and at the moment there is no talking to him about it. It just makes me mad and he gets mad. I don't want one tomorrow, but would like to plan for this summer. He won't even pretend to be ok with the idea. I am not about to bring a dog home without him being on board. Just wish there was a little more compromising on his part. Maybe its just way to soon for him to think about it because of all he went thru a month ago. I don't know and the thought of a puppy and the training does not excite me. well maybe the thought of a puppy does but the work it will take. I mentioned adopting a dog already trained and he said NO to that too. I guess I can't win on this one. Maybe next time.

A week later.......

Today is Saturday - exactly a week since our Sweet Macie girl had to leave us. I have to say that last weekend you could have locked me up and put me away, I did not care about anything. The overwhelming sadness took over me - the WHOLE me. It was truly aweful, I felt guilty for not being a good wife, not being a good mom, a good friend. I just did not want to do anything but all I could do is think about her and cry. Mallie not really understanding what sadness is, I think she got a good lesson. Steve he holds it together very well, but his actions and gestures showed me he was sad. We did not talk much about the details of what he had to go thru, it was too hard. He was not ready and I don't think I could have bared to hear it either. I cried more than not the whole weekend. Monday was back to reality for all of us, Work for Steve and I. Mallie had therapies at school and it was Grandma Mary Monday for her. I got up and for the first 20 minutes made it thru without tears. It was not until I went to get Mallie up, that it all came back. Ugh, I always got up and let Macie out, gave her her supplements and medicine - and fed her. I walked past her food dishes, sitting empty and it was over. She would always follow me and then lay in the hallway as I got Mallie up. Then follow us back to our room and lay by the bathroom door as I got Mallie ready. Such a an absence, very hard not miss it. So here I am forcing myself to make it thru the normal monday morning. Nothing was normal about it tho, so tears fell. Mallie like she had been all weekend, saying "Macie not sick" she with Grampa Roy. Melt my heart and break it at the same time. Somehow we made it out the door and on the way to Grandma and Grampa's house. I cried all the way there, only to collect myself enough to drop her off. I looked like hell I am sure - my hair was up and lack of good sleep plus addition of major crying. I did not care what I looked like tho - again that I don't care about anything was pretty much my outlook. I had thought about not going to work but so much to do and honestly I don't think another day at home by myself would have helped much. Really? I would have just curled up and cried all damn day and what good would that have done. Forcing myself to go back to reality was the best thing. I cried all the way to work, struggling - telling myself get it together. I walked in and made my way back to the accounting cave where we work. At least we are secluded so not many people would see how miserable I was. I did not want to have to answer to anyone or explain, it was still to painful to get the words out. When I made it back to our area, Sweet Alison happened to be right there, she saw me rounding the corner. As soon as we made eye contact it was all over - she gave me a big hug (thank you girl, by the way). I needed it! I broke down some more, but it was best to get it out of the way. It opened me up enough I could talk about it first thing and try to make light of the situation. I had a big meeting at 9 to prep for, so then it was back to business. Oh and on the way to work I had to call Mallie Audiologist and leave a message out her CI not working to get that ball rolling. So sat thru a meeting from 9 till I think it was 12:30, I don't really recall but it did get me thru the morning. I had to mail some things so I took off for lunch, returned the audiologist phone call. I snuck in a little cry before heading back to work. The afternoon was busy too - I decided I needed to let our Vet know the sad news. So emailed them, I knew I would not be able to say it over the phone. They responded right away and let me know Dr Laura was reading the story on here and would be in touch. I was feeling the urge to cry alot the last hour, it could not go by fast enough. I needed to get out! I cried all the way to pick up Mallie. I thought to myself, is this what its like to be depressed? I feel for everyone and anyone who has to deal with that kind of feeling every day. I don't even think I felt the overwhelming emotions take over in my darkest day of Mallie hospital and losing my dad. Things were different then, I think my mindset was different. I cried alot during those days at spectrum and then when my Dad passed, I remember how I felt. It all was very different and I really don't know how to describe it. for months after and even still I will cry about my Dad. I miss him still - that will never go away. All i can say is it is different losing Macie. Picking up Mallie, one of the first things she says to me is "where we going?". I say "home". Her response " go see Mae". I have Steve's brother AJ and Mary standing behind me. Ugh - I just say "no honey". I look back at them and I am like, that is tough! I stayed and talked with John and Mary for quite awhile. Going home to our empty home and not having that brown dog waging her tail happy to see us, is one of the most hardest things to get over. Steve had to work late so I just did not really fell the haste to head home. Sometime after 6 we made our way to our home, it was sad. I still looked for her - Mallie was not hungry and neither was I really. We played a little bit, me pathetically. I was not into it but forcing myself for Mallie. I don't remember much about the rest of the night before Mallie went to bed. We did the normal routine of Milk, tv, brush teeth, potty and night night. The voice was on, we did start watching that. Straight to bed after that and up early for work on Tuesday. Monday was the hardest day of the week! Wednesday Mallie had a dentist appt , I was worried about a spot on her back tooth, so was thinking this was not gonna be a good appt. She let Heather look all around and clean all her teeth!! So proud of our big girl. She talked about if they needed to anything with that spot on her back tooth sometimes they refer out to a specialist that sedates kids so they don't have a bad experience. Dr Molby came in to do the final exam and to our surprise that back spot was more of tooth staining and showed no signs of being a cavity. YAY! We need to keep brushing her teeth well and follow up in 6 months. Fluoride is recommended but need to test our water first and see if there is any in there. All in all it was a good appt! Thursday up early to head to GR for appts with Mallie. her CI was sent to the Audiologist so we could test the inside parts. She was worried about something on the inside changing. The roads were crap, mostly black ice the whole way. So we were late for the first appt with Dr Afman. We needed to check her tubes and make sure they were still functioning and in. He took a peak and they were still there, looking like they may start to come out. He went and grabbed a machine to check the pressure on the eardrum, I guess it tests the pressure to make sure the tubes are still doing there job and check fluid behind ear drum. It came out good, so successful appt :) We go back in 6 months. Next appt we go to get her Right CI back! She took the processor that quit working and hooked it up to Mallie and to her computer to run some tests. They test all 24 electrodes in the ear as each one responds differently and then they can make adjustments accordingly. The programs actually tell the processor how much electricity each one needs to activate the cochlea and produce the sounds. To my surprise the non working CI was responding to her computer. Apparently the issue with this right side was 6 of the electrodes were out of compliance. That is what they call it when something changes inside and the program they made for us no longer works well. In this case she explained that those electrodes were asking the processor for too much electricity in order to work, but the processor can only give so much. It was giving so much and it could not give anymore, like it maxed out. Causing them to go out of compliance and in turn making the processor fail. This started in Oct and then 3 weeks ago happened only to happen again the next week. Last saturday morning. Mallie never indicated an issue prior to the failures. Also each time it was working when we put her to bed, only to wake in the morning and have it not turn on. No warnings to us that we know of. The interesting thing is that the first two times when we got the new CI from Cochlear, she freaked out when we put it on her. We had to turn the volume all the way down and gradually increase it. For only 1 day that did seem odd but thought it was just too much to take after not hearing. In the office on thursday, same kinda thing but we turned it down and kept asking her how it sounded. Kiersten kept tweaking things and Mallie kept saying "take it off" not crying but did not want it on. So I think with whatever changed inside for the last 6 months Mallie was just dealing with it even tho it was uncomfortable. She turned them way down making the final adjustments for her. We then put her own battery back on it and let he play for a bit while we talked. She seemed to be fine, so we threw her in the sound booth for a game of I hear that. She sits in the booth with bucket and some little toy frogs. Each time she hears the sound she has to put the frogs in the bucket. We tested with both ears on and then each ear by themselves. She did great! So even with the new program adjustment of turning down the right side she could still hear normal hearing ranges. We are both good with that! The other thing in the back of our minds is the recall. These particular implants are part of a batch recall 2 yrs ago. Cochlear said if they were going to fail they would have done so right away (2yrs ago). Also the chance of failure was like 1% - so odds are against it but there is still a chance. What happens is the CI quits work and fails altogether and a new one has to be put in. Um, not really something we want to have to do again. However we talked about it at the appt - she said that the changes that happened inside Mallie were pretty drastic which you typically don't see this far in the game. However Mallie is unique and it also could just be her, as body chemistry, medications are things that can effect how it works as well. So not jumping to conclusions, going to keep a closer watch. We have upped her Growth hormone in the last 6 months and I wonder if that has an effect too. We will go back end of April. Next stop - Ortho for an xray on Mallies legs. I am worried she has a bit of a leg length difference and it is affecting her walk. She is going to need new AFO's soon and if we need a lift or adjustment want to get that as well. She did great at the xray - just got to wait for the DR to call us back with the findings. Now up stairs to see Opthamology and of course I left her glasses at home. They used their makeshift goggles to see how she is doing. To be honest we have not worn them much as we got them a couple weeks ago. I had a second opinion done at Dr Riemers here in town last week. She felt her prescription was pretty good accept for maybe a bit overcorrected in the left eye. I feel Mallie sees fine with or without the glasses so I am a bit confused. She explained (which I still don't fully get) how her eyes work. Because of the astygmatism there is a line that is hard for her to focus fully but she does see well or ok. Since the eyes have two different prescriptions they just want to avoid her compensating and only using one eye, LIKE her Momma. I currently have one contact trying to correct my left eye. My brain mostly uses the right one for everything and this can be a problem later on should my right eye fail. I am successfully doing good with the one contact but we want to avoid the scenerio with Mallie. So the Doc here says she don't need them all the time but to wear them when possible or doing tedius things. We got them adjusted but since coming home they wont stay up on her face :( Need to get something to hold them up now. So finally last stop was bloodwork for Endo to check her hormones and thyroid for the Growth hormone prescription. After all those we were then heading out to find her an easter outfit hopefully. I was unsuccessful in finding her an Easter outfit, but did get Mallie some new things. I was not in the mood to shop for me much so mostly just got her stuff. Still fun to buy her things :) We got home late and again it was weird. As soon as Mallie went to bed I did too, Steve had Archery so he was not home when we got there. Friday came and again Steve had Archery, the last night party so he was not gonna be home. All day I kept thinking we need to do something because I just don't wanna be home by myself. There is something to be said about having a dog to come home to. Not just any dog, I know. Having Macie home also gave me a sense of security and I now don't have that either. Steve is gone alot in the evenings with work - I hate our empty house. I know Mallie is here and as the week has progressed I have started to come more back to life. We have fun playing and reading and watch Frozen for the millionth time LOL. yesterday tho I decided to impose on my friend Sam because I just did not want to go home. SAD, I know but it was great to go and visit. We laughed so hard at times my stomach still hurts - I needed it! What I am about to write next is by far the weirdest thing ever but feel someday Mallie will find humor in it. We laughed alot about it. So because the visit was impromptu I only had one extra pullup in my purse. I told Mallie she needed to tell me when she had to go because once we went thru the pull ups we had to go home. I was hoping she would understand. Well in the first half hour she made a mess in her pants - so now we were down to 1. She was wearing it and I said Mallie we have to go if you mess your pants we have no more underwears. Every half hour I was throwing her on the potty, somehow she is sneaky she messed the last one up in between me putting her on the potty. Not really ready to go home - Sam had an idea! She had some Maxi pads in the closet - they are absorbent right? Next thing we know we are putting these on a pair of Abby's old underwear. We laughed so hard but by god it worked and got us home :) One for the books! I doubt we were the first ones to ever do this but maybe the first to admit it haha. Well that recaps the week I think - I do have more to contribute before I sign off. More about Macie, Steve and I had a long conversation Wed night. I got to hear his side fully of what happened last saturday. He started by correcting me - HE was the one who took Macie to her first ever vet visit. He recalled this because he remembers, remembers walking into that place with a 5lb ball of cuteness. Here he was a big guy with this tiny little dog, so proud of her! Makes me smile :) A man was walking out that day and said to Steve " yeah, they are cute now but their turds just get bigger". Ha! True but funny. So how bizarre, Steve took her to the first ever and her last visit. I guess that is how it was meant to be. We recalled last friday's moments thru saturday morning's events. One thing he shared was Macie had lost almost 10 pounds from the last time I took her in. I think it was in early Feb end of January. She was always 78-79 pounds and Saturday morning she weighed only 69. How did we not notice this? She still was eating, never had accidents in the house or got sick. She was amazing at how she hid this from us. The vet saturday was not very nice to Steve in person. Over the phone to me she was very kind and nice. She was rude to Steve and seemed only concerned about getting paid for her services. I think it is very rude and I am going write them to let her know how I feel about it. If I had been there I would have called her out right then and there! Our dog was very sick and not feeling well and the way she conducted herself towards Steve was uncalled for. Not to mention the outcome was worst case scenario. Plus her focus on money was rude considering what he was having to go thru by himself. I know that its her job and that is how she makes a living, also its a saturday and she had to come in on her time. However, she chose that as her job and her profession, it is all part of the territory and the job. If you can't get called in on a saturday to help out an animal and be ok with that, then maybe you should not be doing it. Steve needed some compassion and sympathy and she showed him None of that. I would certainly not recommend that office or her services to anyone. Steve can be a hard ass at times but I believe in my heart he was not because the tone of voice I heard on the phone was panic and sadness. It just makes me angry he had to deal with that on top of everything else. So as for how did we not notice a weight loss... according to the xray she had alot of air in her tummy and intestines. My guess is she had been bloated from the air? IDK but she hid it very well until her final hours. I currently have been doing better each day, all of our friends and family have been wonderful. Cards, flowers, texts, hugs and phone calls have all been greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much for outpouring of love this week. For now, today I plan to clean up our house a bit, its a wreck. Somehow put away or pack up Macie's things - sigh..... I look at all her places she would lay and still hope for a moment that she is going to be there. It is a very weird feeling, like I had said - the house is missing a huge part of our lives. She is still everywhere in pictures, in my mind and my heart. She will always be there. Love you Maedog and I hope you are running and playing free in the sky above.

Macie Forever in our hearts 2002-2014

I know I have not written a post in a while, Life has been busy. I feel compelled to write today because our Furry kid, Macie, went to doggie heaven yesterday. When I spent all that time in the hospital with Mallie and then losing my Dad, writing down everything helped me make it thru. So here it goes. .. It is no secret that Macie had a rough year, with her eye issues, then her thyroid problem. All part of getting older. Things had seemed to be under control the last month or so, the thyroid meds were working her hair was coming back and looking good. I was still giving her baths regularly to help with her skin infection. Also in the last year things had changed a bit, she could not see well or much with the two eye procedures we had done. So jumping up on the bed like she used to was out, she would run into you sometimes. Steve was always griping that she was in the way. I know he still loved her but hearing him complain made me angry. I knew she could not help it, she just wanted to be close to us. I think she knew things were changing inside. She never once whimpered or showed that she was in pain. Even with all the vet visits and procedures - she showed nothing accept signs of her age. She would have been 12 in May - we got her in June of 2002. We had just moved into our house in January of that year and I wanted a dog. I would have went to the pound, but Steve said he wanted a HUNTING dog. So we searched for Chocolate Lab pups. We found her in Frankfort Michigan, She was 1 of 11 siblings. Some of which were yellow. She was also the runt of the litter. She was 6 weeks old and weighed only 5 pounds when we brought her home. She was the first living thing I would be responsible for, that we would be responsible for. She has been with us thru a lot and I could not have asked for a better dog. She was gentle, sweet and always happy to see us. She was quick to potty train and we spoiled her. She also had free reign of our house once she was out of the chewing phase. She would go with me most everywhere I could take her. She loved going for rides in the truck.

When I think back on this last week, I remember some little things that were different. Only when I think back, at the time all was pretty normal for our old girl. I gave her a bath Wednesday night, still trying to combat some skin issues from the thyroid stuff. It became a routine for baths, she had more baths this year than she had her whole life. I did not mind tho, I would do anything to help her. While I scrubbed her down, her belly it did feel firmer than normal. She kinda seemed fidgety while I scrubbed her and touched her belly, like uncomfortable. I kinda felt well she is old and everything on her is probably more sore. We got out and I dried her off as good as I could. That night she curled right up next to me on the couch, as close as she could. I did not want to get up because she had not done that in a long time. She mostly liked to lay on the floor these days and sprawled out. She seemed to pant more this week too, but again I chucked it up as normal. She panted a lot last summer too. I probably should have paid more attention for only was it a sign she was suffering. Thursday night Mallie and I were busy packing up stuff to head to Misty's for a fun weekend away with family. Just a normal night but Macie knew - she always knew when I was going somewhere. She followed me everywhere most of the time, but she was a bit closer than normal. That night when I went to bed, I helped her on the bed so she could lay with me. Like I did most nights, she could not see well and would not jump but she wanted up. She always has slept with us - this past year she did sleep on the floor a lot more. That made me sad too because another sign of her age. Some nights she would sleep on the couch. She would always get off sometime in the night and lay on the floor - which she also did Thursday night. She would wake me up in the middle of the night too to go outside. She also did this, like normal that night. Friday morning up early to get all our stuff in the truck and head to work. That morning was the last morning I would see her, if I had only known, right? We rushed out the door with not another thought. Saturday morning I was at Misty's we were up early to head to Konnor's wrestling tournament. I was already having an irritating morning as Mallie's left CI implant quit working again. Third time in 6 months this has happened, ugh. Steve called me at 9ish and said " I don't want to bother you with this because you are supposed to be having a fun weekend, but Macie is not doing good". My heart sank, I am 4 hours from home and my Macie is not well. Worst thing ever! She had had a accident friday night - which is NOT her, she has only had 8 accidents her whole life in our home. He said he thought well she must have had to go REALLY bad and being older. she could not hold it anymore. He had let her out after work and she went outside like always. Then he left for the evening to find it when it came home. Still nothing crazy out the ordinary...he awoke Saturday morning to finding she went on the floor again. This time tho, she was hunched up in pain and did not want to walk. She would stand up but something was not right. She was breathing really Heavy and looked miserable. When Steve called I could hear it in his voice too, he was worried this was it too. He played a big tuff guy the last year but I know better. What to do, what to do? I called the emergency vet , this weekend was not our Vet on call so to Parkdale Steve had to take her. I wanted to leave and come right nome, making a scene of tears in front of 100's of people at a youth wresting meet. Ahhh - I was so far away - it broke my heart. Helpless and not with her. I had decided I would wait until I knew what was wrong, so I waited to hear from Steve. They wanted to run blood work and xrays - I had to let them. What if she just was sick with a stomach thing? So then I wait some more - the doctor called me back. Bloodwork was perfect! Of course it was - but the X-ray however not so much. Macie had 2 large tumors in her abdomen. Obviously this does not happen overnight. Macie had been fighting cancer for awhile I am afraid. She never let on that she was suffering. She still greeted me at the door everyday and followed me around. She was still eating for the most part. There were days that she waited along time to eat - I again thought it bothered her teeth because she was getting older. So the vet started to explain the next step and I knew, there was no next step. Surgery was an option but I could not do that. I had to draw the line and I feel once you start to cut into the dog and try to get some more time, it would only be torture for them. If she even made it out of the surgery. What kind of life would that be for her? I did not want her to suffer one more minute. So far away from her, I wanted to be there. I wanted her to know I was there with her. It breaks my heart that I was not there. I had to chose, I suppose I could have had them give her something for pain until I could get back, but I could not do it. She was suffering and I could not let it go for one more minute. I hung up the phone crying, crying so hard - it really hurts my soul to the core. I had to call Steve back and let him know what to do, he was leaving it all up to me. He agreed with me, but ultimately he was letting me call the shots. At this point I was already in route to Misty's house to get our stuff and come home. I cried all the way there - Mallie had fallen asleep. Mallie was funny because she doesn't really understand. She was mad because she wanted to stay at Aunt Misty's. She kept saying I wanna play with Kallie. I just needed to get home - I would have been miserable company and driving home the next day just delayed the grieving process. While gathering our stuff up to head home, I was crying. Mallie has never seen me cry. She hates it when I make a pouty face, so this was a new level of being sad. The fake pouty face is nothing like the real thing. I told her Macie had to go to doggie heaven, she said "why?". I told her because she was sick. So then she says I want to stay here - getting upset. Kids really are funny. We made it home about 5pm - I cried a LOT on the way home. Talking to friends and family on the way home helped the drive go faster - but I knew when I got home, she was not going to be there. I am going to miss her greeting me at the door with her wagging tail. Everyday no matter what kind of day I was having I always had a happy dog to come home to. When we pulled in - just when you think you can't cry anymore or any harder. It rushed over me - I just feel so sad. We came inside and Mallie happy to see Steve - went right over to him. I went to our bathroom and sat on the floor and just bawled my eyes out some more. I still just can't believe over night that this would turn to this. The rest of the night was a blur - somber with lots of tears. Mallie asked me many times. "Where is Mae?" I would tell her the same thing - she is in doggie Heaven. Followed by the Question "Why?" Then I would say she was sick and start crying all over again - I can't control it really. Then Mallie would run over to me and say "HUG". She would hug me so tight - god I love her! This happened many a times last night and even today still happening. Everytime she asks me it breaks my heart and tears come flowing. I had even told her yesterday Macie is with Grampa Roy. So today she says - "Momma Macie sick", she with Grampa Roy. I know this will happen for awhile - she loved Macie too. She helped me give her treats when she would come in side. She would give her some of her own food too when eating at the Table. When I would give Macie baths, Mallie would come in and stand in front of the tub and say "you stay Mae". Macie would always put her paws up to try and get out, so Mallie was helping me. Mallie also always had to sit by her and pet her. She would hug and kiss her. At night before bed, she would always say I love you Mae. Mae Mae was also one of the first few words Mallie could and would say when she started talking. I have the cutest video of her saying it clear for the first time. I have tons and tons of pictures of the two of them together. There is no doubt life will move on, but it will never be the same. I never knew how bad this would be to lose her. I had been thinking about it often - knowing what we went thru this year. Several friends had lost pets in the last month. Each time I would think about it - every day was one step closer to yesterday. I also feel horrible for Steve - he had to deal with it alone. I always took Macie to all her appts and vet visits. I think this was first time Steve took her and for it to be under that circumstance. I know it had to be hard to leave her there and to take her. He had to carry her because she could not walk. The whole thing just sucks! My eyes were burning last night and heavy. We got Mallie in bed about 8:30 and went to straight there ourselves. I fell asleep pretty fast, but woke up a lot. I was officially up around 7am and tears came flushing back. Everywhere I look, she used to be. She was a huge part of every day and huge part of our lives. I can't bring myself to remove all of her things yet. Her toys, her food dish, her treats. Last night I caught myself going to put Mallie's leftover food in her bowl. Today I just can't get a grip! I literally have been crying so much more than not crying. I am hoping by tomorrow I will be able to keep it together to go to work. Some people will think I am crazy or nuts but I don't care. I am an animal lover, I cry when I see those commercials with the Sara Mcglaghlin song. This was My dog, who never did anything but love us unconditionally. In a sense she was our first kid. When Mallie came along Macie was very gentle and great with her. so I write this because I hope it will help me heal and get thru this. Its only been a day and one day or hour at a time I suppose. I have thought about the possibility of another dog down the road. I just think about it and there will never be another Macie. Obviously getting a dog now is not an option but I think, can I even get another dog? I will always want my Macie back and training a new dog is not something I want to do. I worry about a puppy and Mallie's ears. The CI's are expensive, I should not even be thinking of this - but I want Mallie to grow up with a pet. Steve has said a many of times - no more after Macie - I don't think he means it. For now tho I need grieve and get thru. Thank you to everyone for the kinds words and thoughts - it means the world to me. I will post a few more pictures of our brown friend Macie - may she rest in peace. These were the last photos I took of my two girls together - last month. I will forever miss these moments.