A week later.......

Today is Saturday - exactly a week since our Sweet Macie girl had to leave us. I have to say that last weekend you could have locked me up and put me away, I did not care about anything. The overwhelming sadness took over me - the WHOLE me. It was truly aweful, I felt guilty for not being a good wife, not being a good mom, a good friend. I just did not want to do anything but all I could do is think about her and cry. Mallie not really understanding what sadness is, I think she got a good lesson. Steve he holds it together very well, but his actions and gestures showed me he was sad. We did not talk much about the details of what he had to go thru, it was too hard. He was not ready and I don't think I could have bared to hear it either. I cried more than not the whole weekend. Monday was back to reality for all of us, Work for Steve and I. Mallie had therapies at school and it was Grandma Mary Monday for her. I got up and for the first 20 minutes made it thru without tears. It was not until I went to get Mallie up, that it all came back. Ugh, I always got up and let Macie out, gave her her supplements and medicine - and fed her. I walked past her food dishes, sitting empty and it was over. She would always follow me and then lay in the hallway as I got Mallie up. Then follow us back to our room and lay by the bathroom door as I got Mallie ready. Such a an absence, very hard not miss it. So here I am forcing myself to make it thru the normal monday morning. Nothing was normal about it tho, so tears fell. Mallie like she had been all weekend, saying "Macie not sick" she with Grampa Roy. Melt my heart and break it at the same time. Somehow we made it out the door and on the way to Grandma and Grampa's house. I cried all the way there, only to collect myself enough to drop her off. I looked like hell I am sure - my hair was up and lack of good sleep plus addition of major crying. I did not care what I looked like tho - again that I don't care about anything was pretty much my outlook. I had thought about not going to work but so much to do and honestly I don't think another day at home by myself would have helped much. Really? I would have just curled up and cried all damn day and what good would that have done. Forcing myself to go back to reality was the best thing. I cried all the way to work, struggling - telling myself get it together. I walked in and made my way back to the accounting cave where we work. At least we are secluded so not many people would see how miserable I was. I did not want to have to answer to anyone or explain, it was still to painful to get the words out. When I made it back to our area, Sweet Alison happened to be right there, she saw me rounding the corner. As soon as we made eye contact it was all over - she gave me a big hug (thank you girl, by the way). I needed it! I broke down some more, but it was best to get it out of the way. It opened me up enough I could talk about it first thing and try to make light of the situation. I had a big meeting at 9 to prep for, so then it was back to business. Oh and on the way to work I had to call Mallie Audiologist and leave a message out her CI not working to get that ball rolling. So sat thru a meeting from 9 till I think it was 12:30, I don't really recall but it did get me thru the morning. I had to mail some things so I took off for lunch, returned the audiologist phone call. I snuck in a little cry before heading back to work. The afternoon was busy too - I decided I needed to let our Vet know the sad news. So emailed them, I knew I would not be able to say it over the phone. They responded right away and let me know Dr Laura was reading the story on here and would be in touch. I was feeling the urge to cry alot the last hour, it could not go by fast enough. I needed to get out! I cried all the way to pick up Mallie. I thought to myself, is this what its like to be depressed? I feel for everyone and anyone who has to deal with that kind of feeling every day. I don't even think I felt the overwhelming emotions take over in my darkest day of Mallie hospital and losing my dad. Things were different then, I think my mindset was different. I cried alot during those days at spectrum and then when my Dad passed, I remember how I felt. It all was very different and I really don't know how to describe it. for months after and even still I will cry about my Dad. I miss him still - that will never go away. All i can say is it is different losing Macie. Picking up Mallie, one of the first things she says to me is "where we going?". I say "home". Her response " go see Mae". I have Steve's brother AJ and Mary standing behind me. Ugh - I just say "no honey". I look back at them and I am like, that is tough! I stayed and talked with John and Mary for quite awhile. Going home to our empty home and not having that brown dog waging her tail happy to see us, is one of the most hardest things to get over. Steve had to work late so I just did not really fell the haste to head home. Sometime after 6 we made our way to our home, it was sad. I still looked for her - Mallie was not hungry and neither was I really. We played a little bit, me pathetically. I was not into it but forcing myself for Mallie. I don't remember much about the rest of the night before Mallie went to bed. We did the normal routine of Milk, tv, brush teeth, potty and night night. The voice was on, we did start watching that. Straight to bed after that and up early for work on Tuesday. Monday was the hardest day of the week! Wednesday Mallie had a dentist appt , I was worried about a spot on her back tooth, so was thinking this was not gonna be a good appt. She let Heather look all around and clean all her teeth!! So proud of our big girl. She talked about if they needed to anything with that spot on her back tooth sometimes they refer out to a specialist that sedates kids so they don't have a bad experience. Dr Molby came in to do the final exam and to our surprise that back spot was more of tooth staining and showed no signs of being a cavity. YAY! We need to keep brushing her teeth well and follow up in 6 months. Fluoride is recommended but need to test our water first and see if there is any in there. All in all it was a good appt! Thursday up early to head to GR for appts with Mallie. her CI was sent to the Audiologist so we could test the inside parts. She was worried about something on the inside changing. The roads were crap, mostly black ice the whole way. So we were late for the first appt with Dr Afman. We needed to check her tubes and make sure they were still functioning and in. He took a peak and they were still there, looking like they may start to come out. He went and grabbed a machine to check the pressure on the eardrum, I guess it tests the pressure to make sure the tubes are still doing there job and check fluid behind ear drum. It came out good, so successful appt :) We go back in 6 months. Next appt we go to get her Right CI back! She took the processor that quit working and hooked it up to Mallie and to her computer to run some tests. They test all 24 electrodes in the ear as each one responds differently and then they can make adjustments accordingly. The programs actually tell the processor how much electricity each one needs to activate the cochlea and produce the sounds. To my surprise the non working CI was responding to her computer. Apparently the issue with this right side was 6 of the electrodes were out of compliance. That is what they call it when something changes inside and the program they made for us no longer works well. In this case she explained that those electrodes were asking the processor for too much electricity in order to work, but the processor can only give so much. It was giving so much and it could not give anymore, like it maxed out. Causing them to go out of compliance and in turn making the processor fail. This started in Oct and then 3 weeks ago happened only to happen again the next week. Last saturday morning. Mallie never indicated an issue prior to the failures. Also each time it was working when we put her to bed, only to wake in the morning and have it not turn on. No warnings to us that we know of. The interesting thing is that the first two times when we got the new CI from Cochlear, she freaked out when we put it on her. We had to turn the volume all the way down and gradually increase it. For only 1 day that did seem odd but thought it was just too much to take after not hearing. In the office on thursday, same kinda thing but we turned it down and kept asking her how it sounded. Kiersten kept tweaking things and Mallie kept saying "take it off" not crying but did not want it on. So I think with whatever changed inside for the last 6 months Mallie was just dealing with it even tho it was uncomfortable. She turned them way down making the final adjustments for her. We then put her own battery back on it and let he play for a bit while we talked. She seemed to be fine, so we threw her in the sound booth for a game of I hear that. She sits in the booth with bucket and some little toy frogs. Each time she hears the sound she has to put the frogs in the bucket. We tested with both ears on and then each ear by themselves. She did great! So even with the new program adjustment of turning down the right side she could still hear normal hearing ranges. We are both good with that! The other thing in the back of our minds is the recall. These particular implants are part of a batch recall 2 yrs ago. Cochlear said if they were going to fail they would have done so right away (2yrs ago). Also the chance of failure was like 1% - so odds are against it but there is still a chance. What happens is the CI quits work and fails altogether and a new one has to be put in. Um, not really something we want to have to do again. However we talked about it at the appt - she said that the changes that happened inside Mallie were pretty drastic which you typically don't see this far in the game. However Mallie is unique and it also could just be her, as body chemistry, medications are things that can effect how it works as well. So not jumping to conclusions, going to keep a closer watch. We have upped her Growth hormone in the last 6 months and I wonder if that has an effect too. We will go back end of April. Next stop - Ortho for an xray on Mallies legs. I am worried she has a bit of a leg length difference and it is affecting her walk. She is going to need new AFO's soon and if we need a lift or adjustment want to get that as well. She did great at the xray - just got to wait for the DR to call us back with the findings. Now up stairs to see Opthamology and of course I left her glasses at home. They used their makeshift goggles to see how she is doing. To be honest we have not worn them much as we got them a couple weeks ago. I had a second opinion done at Dr Riemers here in town last week. She felt her prescription was pretty good accept for maybe a bit overcorrected in the left eye. I feel Mallie sees fine with or without the glasses so I am a bit confused. She explained (which I still don't fully get) how her eyes work. Because of the astygmatism there is a line that is hard for her to focus fully but she does see well or ok. Since the eyes have two different prescriptions they just want to avoid her compensating and only using one eye, LIKE her Momma. I currently have one contact trying to correct my left eye. My brain mostly uses the right one for everything and this can be a problem later on should my right eye fail. I am successfully doing good with the one contact but we want to avoid the scenerio with Mallie. So the Doc here says she don't need them all the time but to wear them when possible or doing tedius things. We got them adjusted but since coming home they wont stay up on her face :( Need to get something to hold them up now. So finally last stop was bloodwork for Endo to check her hormones and thyroid for the Growth hormone prescription. After all those we were then heading out to find her an easter outfit hopefully. I was unsuccessful in finding her an Easter outfit, but did get Mallie some new things. I was not in the mood to shop for me much so mostly just got her stuff. Still fun to buy her things :) We got home late and again it was weird. As soon as Mallie went to bed I did too, Steve had Archery so he was not home when we got there. Friday came and again Steve had Archery, the last night party so he was not gonna be home. All day I kept thinking we need to do something because I just don't wanna be home by myself. There is something to be said about having a dog to come home to. Not just any dog, I know. Having Macie home also gave me a sense of security and I now don't have that either. Steve is gone alot in the evenings with work - I hate our empty house. I know Mallie is here and as the week has progressed I have started to come more back to life. We have fun playing and reading and watch Frozen for the millionth time LOL. yesterday tho I decided to impose on my friend Sam because I just did not want to go home. SAD, I know but it was great to go and visit. We laughed so hard at times my stomach still hurts - I needed it! What I am about to write next is by far the weirdest thing ever but feel someday Mallie will find humor in it. We laughed alot about it. So because the visit was impromptu I only had one extra pullup in my purse. I told Mallie she needed to tell me when she had to go because once we went thru the pull ups we had to go home. I was hoping she would understand. Well in the first half hour she made a mess in her pants - so now we were down to 1. She was wearing it and I said Mallie we have to go if you mess your pants we have no more underwears. Every half hour I was throwing her on the potty, somehow she is sneaky she messed the last one up in between me putting her on the potty. Not really ready to go home - Sam had an idea! She had some Maxi pads in the closet - they are absorbent right? Next thing we know we are putting these on a pair of Abby's old underwear. We laughed so hard but by god it worked and got us home :) One for the books! I doubt we were the first ones to ever do this but maybe the first to admit it haha. Well that recaps the week I think - I do have more to contribute before I sign off. More about Macie, Steve and I had a long conversation Wed night. I got to hear his side fully of what happened last saturday. He started by correcting me - HE was the one who took Macie to her first ever vet visit. He recalled this because he remembers, remembers walking into that place with a 5lb ball of cuteness. Here he was a big guy with this tiny little dog, so proud of her! Makes me smile :) A man was walking out that day and said to Steve " yeah, they are cute now but their turds just get bigger". Ha! True but funny. So how bizarre, Steve took her to the first ever and her last visit. I guess that is how it was meant to be. We recalled last friday's moments thru saturday morning's events. One thing he shared was Macie had lost almost 10 pounds from the last time I took her in. I think it was in early Feb end of January. She was always 78-79 pounds and Saturday morning she weighed only 69. How did we not notice this? She still was eating, never had accidents in the house or got sick. She was amazing at how she hid this from us. The vet saturday was not very nice to Steve in person. Over the phone to me she was very kind and nice. She was rude to Steve and seemed only concerned about getting paid for her services. I think it is very rude and I am going write them to let her know how I feel about it. If I had been there I would have called her out right then and there! Our dog was very sick and not feeling well and the way she conducted herself towards Steve was uncalled for. Not to mention the outcome was worst case scenario. Plus her focus on money was rude considering what he was having to go thru by himself. I know that its her job and that is how she makes a living, also its a saturday and she had to come in on her time. However, she chose that as her job and her profession, it is all part of the territory and the job. If you can't get called in on a saturday to help out an animal and be ok with that, then maybe you should not be doing it. Steve needed some compassion and sympathy and she showed him None of that. I would certainly not recommend that office or her services to anyone. Steve can be a hard ass at times but I believe in my heart he was not because the tone of voice I heard on the phone was panic and sadness. It just makes me angry he had to deal with that on top of everything else. So as for how did we not notice a weight loss... according to the xray she had alot of air in her tummy and intestines. My guess is she had been bloated from the air? IDK but she hid it very well until her final hours. I currently have been doing better each day, all of our friends and family have been wonderful. Cards, flowers, texts, hugs and phone calls have all been greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much for outpouring of love this week. For now, today I plan to clean up our house a bit, its a wreck. Somehow put away or pack up Macie's things - sigh..... I look at all her places she would lay and still hope for a moment that she is going to be there. It is a very weird feeling, like I had said - the house is missing a huge part of our lives. She is still everywhere in pictures, in my mind and my heart. She will always be there. Love you Maedog and I hope you are running and playing free in the sky above.

Macie Forever in our hearts 2002-2014

I know I have not written a post in a while, Life has been busy. I feel compelled to write today because our Furry kid, Macie, went to doggie heaven yesterday. When I spent all that time in the hospital with Mallie and then losing my Dad, writing down everything helped me make it thru. So here it goes. .. It is no secret that Macie had a rough year, with her eye issues, then her thyroid problem. All part of getting older. Things had seemed to be under control the last month or so, the thyroid meds were working her hair was coming back and looking good. I was still giving her baths regularly to help with her skin infection. Also in the last year things had changed a bit, she could not see well or much with the two eye procedures we had done. So jumping up on the bed like she used to was out, she would run into you sometimes. Steve was always griping that she was in the way. I know he still loved her but hearing him complain made me angry. I knew she could not help it, she just wanted to be close to us. I think she knew things were changing inside. She never once whimpered or showed that she was in pain. Even with all the vet visits and procedures - she showed nothing accept signs of her age. She would have been 12 in May - we got her in June of 2002. We had just moved into our house in January of that year and I wanted a dog. I would have went to the pound, but Steve said he wanted a HUNTING dog. So we searched for Chocolate Lab pups. We found her in Frankfort Michigan, She was 1 of 11 siblings. Some of which were yellow. She was also the runt of the litter. She was 6 weeks old and weighed only 5 pounds when we brought her home. She was the first living thing I would be responsible for, that we would be responsible for. She has been with us thru a lot and I could not have asked for a better dog. She was gentle, sweet and always happy to see us. She was quick to potty train and we spoiled her. She also had free reign of our house once she was out of the chewing phase. She would go with me most everywhere I could take her. She loved going for rides in the truck.

When I think back on this last week, I remember some little things that were different. Only when I think back, at the time all was pretty normal for our old girl. I gave her a bath Wednesday night, still trying to combat some skin issues from the thyroid stuff. It became a routine for baths, she had more baths this year than she had her whole life. I did not mind tho, I would do anything to help her. While I scrubbed her down, her belly it did feel firmer than normal. She kinda seemed fidgety while I scrubbed her and touched her belly, like uncomfortable. I kinda felt well she is old and everything on her is probably more sore. We got out and I dried her off as good as I could. That night she curled right up next to me on the couch, as close as she could. I did not want to get up because she had not done that in a long time. She mostly liked to lay on the floor these days and sprawled out. She seemed to pant more this week too, but again I chucked it up as normal. She panted a lot last summer too. I probably should have paid more attention for only was it a sign she was suffering. Thursday night Mallie and I were busy packing up stuff to head to Misty's for a fun weekend away with family. Just a normal night but Macie knew - she always knew when I was going somewhere. She followed me everywhere most of the time, but she was a bit closer than normal. That night when I went to bed, I helped her on the bed so she could lay with me. Like I did most nights, she could not see well and would not jump but she wanted up. She always has slept with us - this past year she did sleep on the floor a lot more. That made me sad too because another sign of her age. Some nights she would sleep on the couch. She would always get off sometime in the night and lay on the floor - which she also did Thursday night. She would wake me up in the middle of the night too to go outside. She also did this, like normal that night. Friday morning up early to get all our stuff in the truck and head to work. That morning was the last morning I would see her, if I had only known, right? We rushed out the door with not another thought. Saturday morning I was at Misty's we were up early to head to Konnor's wrestling tournament. I was already having an irritating morning as Mallie's left CI implant quit working again. Third time in 6 months this has happened, ugh. Steve called me at 9ish and said " I don't want to bother you with this because you are supposed to be having a fun weekend, but Macie is not doing good". My heart sank, I am 4 hours from home and my Macie is not well. Worst thing ever! She had had a accident friday night - which is NOT her, she has only had 8 accidents her whole life in our home. He said he thought well she must have had to go REALLY bad and being older. she could not hold it anymore. He had let her out after work and she went outside like always. Then he left for the evening to find it when it came home. Still nothing crazy out the ordinary...he awoke Saturday morning to finding she went on the floor again. This time tho, she was hunched up in pain and did not want to walk. She would stand up but something was not right. She was breathing really Heavy and looked miserable. When Steve called I could hear it in his voice too, he was worried this was it too. He played a big tuff guy the last year but I know better. What to do, what to do? I called the emergency vet , this weekend was not our Vet on call so to Parkdale Steve had to take her. I wanted to leave and come right nome, making a scene of tears in front of 100's of people at a youth wresting meet. Ahhh - I was so far away - it broke my heart. Helpless and not with her. I had decided I would wait until I knew what was wrong, so I waited to hear from Steve. They wanted to run blood work and xrays - I had to let them. What if she just was sick with a stomach thing? So then I wait some more - the doctor called me back. Bloodwork was perfect! Of course it was - but the X-ray however not so much. Macie had 2 large tumors in her abdomen. Obviously this does not happen overnight. Macie had been fighting cancer for awhile I am afraid. She never let on that she was suffering. She still greeted me at the door everyday and followed me around. She was still eating for the most part. There were days that she waited along time to eat - I again thought it bothered her teeth because she was getting older. So the vet started to explain the next step and I knew, there was no next step. Surgery was an option but I could not do that. I had to draw the line and I feel once you start to cut into the dog and try to get some more time, it would only be torture for them. If she even made it out of the surgery. What kind of life would that be for her? I did not want her to suffer one more minute. So far away from her, I wanted to be there. I wanted her to know I was there with her. It breaks my heart that I was not there. I had to chose, I suppose I could have had them give her something for pain until I could get back, but I could not do it. She was suffering and I could not let it go for one more minute. I hung up the phone crying, crying so hard - it really hurts my soul to the core. I had to call Steve back and let him know what to do, he was leaving it all up to me. He agreed with me, but ultimately he was letting me call the shots. At this point I was already in route to Misty's house to get our stuff and come home. I cried all the way there - Mallie had fallen asleep. Mallie was funny because she doesn't really understand. She was mad because she wanted to stay at Aunt Misty's. She kept saying I wanna play with Kallie. I just needed to get home - I would have been miserable company and driving home the next day just delayed the grieving process. While gathering our stuff up to head home, I was crying. Mallie has never seen me cry. She hates it when I make a pouty face, so this was a new level of being sad. The fake pouty face is nothing like the real thing. I told her Macie had to go to doggie heaven, she said "why?". I told her because she was sick. So then she says I want to stay here - getting upset. Kids really are funny. We made it home about 5pm - I cried a LOT on the way home. Talking to friends and family on the way home helped the drive go faster - but I knew when I got home, she was not going to be there. I am going to miss her greeting me at the door with her wagging tail. Everyday no matter what kind of day I was having I always had a happy dog to come home to. When we pulled in - just when you think you can't cry anymore or any harder. It rushed over me - I just feel so sad. We came inside and Mallie happy to see Steve - went right over to him. I went to our bathroom and sat on the floor and just bawled my eyes out some more. I still just can't believe over night that this would turn to this. The rest of the night was a blur - somber with lots of tears. Mallie asked me many times. "Where is Mae?" I would tell her the same thing - she is in doggie Heaven. Followed by the Question "Why?" Then I would say she was sick and start crying all over again - I can't control it really. Then Mallie would run over to me and say "HUG". She would hug me so tight - god I love her! This happened many a times last night and even today still happening. Everytime she asks me it breaks my heart and tears come flowing. I had even told her yesterday Macie is with Grampa Roy. So today she says - "Momma Macie sick", she with Grampa Roy. I know this will happen for awhile - she loved Macie too. She helped me give her treats when she would come in side. She would give her some of her own food too when eating at the Table. When I would give Macie baths, Mallie would come in and stand in front of the tub and say "you stay Mae". Macie would always put her paws up to try and get out, so Mallie was helping me. Mallie also always had to sit by her and pet her. She would hug and kiss her. At night before bed, she would always say I love you Mae. Mae Mae was also one of the first few words Mallie could and would say when she started talking. I have the cutest video of her saying it clear for the first time. I have tons and tons of pictures of the two of them together. There is no doubt life will move on, but it will never be the same. I never knew how bad this would be to lose her. I had been thinking about it often - knowing what we went thru this year. Several friends had lost pets in the last month. Each time I would think about it - every day was one step closer to yesterday. I also feel horrible for Steve - he had to deal with it alone. I always took Macie to all her appts and vet visits. I think this was first time Steve took her and for it to be under that circumstance. I know it had to be hard to leave her there and to take her. He had to carry her because she could not walk. The whole thing just sucks! My eyes were burning last night and heavy. We got Mallie in bed about 8:30 and went to straight there ourselves. I fell asleep pretty fast, but woke up a lot. I was officially up around 7am and tears came flushing back. Everywhere I look, she used to be. She was a huge part of every day and huge part of our lives. I can't bring myself to remove all of her things yet. Her toys, her food dish, her treats. Last night I caught myself going to put Mallie's leftover food in her bowl. Today I just can't get a grip! I literally have been crying so much more than not crying. I am hoping by tomorrow I will be able to keep it together to go to work. Some people will think I am crazy or nuts but I don't care. I am an animal lover, I cry when I see those commercials with the Sara Mcglaghlin song. This was My dog, who never did anything but love us unconditionally. In a sense she was our first kid. When Mallie came along Macie was very gentle and great with her. so I write this because I hope it will help me heal and get thru this. Its only been a day and one day or hour at a time I suppose. I have thought about the possibility of another dog down the road. I just think about it and there will never be another Macie. Obviously getting a dog now is not an option but I think, can I even get another dog? I will always want my Macie back and training a new dog is not something I want to do. I worry about a puppy and Mallie's ears. The CI's are expensive, I should not even be thinking of this - but I want Mallie to grow up with a pet. Steve has said a many of times - no more after Macie - I don't think he means it. For now tho I need grieve and get thru. Thank you to everyone for the kinds words and thoughts - it means the world to me. I will post a few more pictures of our brown friend Macie - may she rest in peace. These were the last photos I took of my two girls together - last month. I will forever miss these moments.