Full Circle..

It is a beautiful Sun Shiny day here in Michigan - COLD but the sun is amazing for the soul. I have been bad at keeping up on this blog I know - Every once in a while like yesterday something sparks me and I am COMPELLED to share.  I started this blog for my baby Mallie who is now 7 years old.  During the times that were hard and her surgeries early on this was a way for me to get my feelings out.  It was a place to share how she was doing so that others could follow along and easier for me to reach everyone in one fell swoop.  If you have not read this blog before and do not know our story please take a peak.  Here is the post that I will be referencing, a huge loss in my life.
 http://malliebean.blogspot.com/2010/09/life.html.

So Sept 18th was the day I lost my dad, it will be 7 years already this next September.  My mom came over yesterday and we were talking.  I don't know how it came up but we ended up getting out Mallie's baby book for her first year.  My mom was telling Mallie she had a photo of him holding her.  I have all of the photos in her book so I let Mallie and my Mom look thru the book while I was making dinner.  There is always the what ifs... what if he had not stopped taking plavix, what if she had made him go to the dr more - etc..  We know it was heart disease that took him - he had his first heart attack when he was around 55.  Life truly does have crazy ways of working out and we don't always understand especially in time of loss.  He was only 61 years old and his dad was in his 80's when he passed.  He was the youngest boy of 13 kids - yet one of the first to go.  I had just been thru the wildest , emotional ride with our 1 year old little girl.  The timing - we got home from the 18 day hospital stay , drained, scared.  I had no idea if Mallie was going to be ok at home.  She lost so much weight and was never a lover of food.  Her body temp was hard to regulate, her blood sugars were low most of the time.  So much on my mind and so much worry.  So Why would my Dad have to leave this Earth the same night?  I have thought about this many times and wondered how the hell I survived.

The day after my dad passed,  I was talking with my friend Sam - she was one that was called in the middle of the night.  I don't remember a lot of what was said but when we talked the next day after I had been to my mom's house.  She told me how she shared with her little girl Abby.  Abby was only 6 years old and pretty much without hesitation told Sam "He had to go so Mallie could Live"  I won't ever forget that because It has always been on mind that he is watching over her.  The night we came home Mallie did eat her bottle but it was still a struggle at first to get the right temp or whatever.  The next day when we went to my parents house to be with everyone and that whole week, Mallie ate her bottle up and that weight of worry for that week was lifted.  She just ate and anyone that fed her - I don't think it was coincidence.

While in the hospital my dad came to visit a couple times.   My parents and my friends Annie & Sam came down and took me to dinner one night.  It was a good night away from the hospital.  My Dad cracking jokes and just a good night during a time of stress.  He came down one more time after that during our 18 day stay.  We went to lunch while Mallie napped - I remember thinking he looked like he had aged so much even from a couple weeks ago.  He looked a lot like his dad, my grampa.  That was the last time I saw him , he played with Mallie in her crib at the hospital and then him and my mom went home.  It was the last time I talked to him.  Something was going on with him and he never said a word.

So fast forward to yesterday and while we looked at pics and talked about him.  My mom told me something that totally brought me back to Abby's words.  A couple of my dads sisters told my Mom something that my Dad had shared with them.  He told my Aunt's that he made a deal with God to take him instead of Mallie.

I have been thinking about this since yesterday and those close to me know what my beliefs are.  I don't go to Church but I believe.  I don't know what your beliefs are but there is something to be said for our story.  I miss my Dad so much and I wish he could physically be here to see Mallie growing up - however I believe he is and always has been.  Mallie has had times where I would here her giggling in her sleep and I always thought it was him.  He visits me in my dreams sometimes,  I don't always remember the content of them.  As much as I would love to have him here and miss him  - I don't know if I could ever be grateful enough that Mallie is still here with us.  Tho his life was cut short in my opinion, Mallie still had the rest of hers.  I just can't imagine my life without her - I believe everything happens for a reason and wanted to share this today.

Love you all,

Steph